No title today

My heart is heavy. I am stressed, under-rested and apprehensive about what the future has for me. Although the prospect of graduation and being finished with school is exciting and obviously desirable, I wonder what will happen when I’m finished. I will need to get a job, internship, more schooling or whatever I do, something I want to do.

But on this day January 14, 2009 I haven’t a clue what I want to do. I want to work in a museum, but what if I don’t like it? I don’t have teaching credentials. I don’t know if I want to go to graduate school. I don’t really know what I’d go to grad school to study, and if I’d even be accepted.

I partly lament the fact that I never expected to be at this point in my life and single. It’s true, I’m not old. Twenty-four is not old. So why am I worried about that too? I know it will work out. Well, at least I have hope that it will.

I think I’m extra cranky about my future right now because something set me off and it always seems to be a downward spiral and it’s all expedited because I’m tired. This last weekend left me exhausted. I stayed up way too late Friday night and had to attend a bridal shower first thing in the morning, which was followed by an afternoon wedding reception for another friend. I saw a movie that night, went to bed late again and had an incredibly unrelaxing Sunday that was filled with meetings and the like. No homework was accomplished leaving me unprepared and nervous about classes this week as I try to balance the visit of my mom and sister for more lovely wedding celebrations of yet a third person.

My mind is crowded with things learned in my classes and other distractions to my sanity. We’re learning about the French Revolution in preparation to learn about the philosophies of the Impressionists, and it’s really depressing. Because of Napoleon and some of his ideas and policies, women in France didn’t have the right to vote until the 1940s and only in the 1970s were women finally allowed to have their own bank account and hold property. I learned the root of nepotism and how it is directly related to 17^th Century Catholicism in Italy and the power given to the Papal Nephew (the pope’s nephew), this lead to me thinking about the differences between my church and the Catholic church, and then to thinking about my mission. I saw The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and cannot get the story out of my head.

I need to learn to separate myself better, but I cannot imagine having the stress and the sadness that would come from having a completely perfectly working mind but not being able to move at all except for one eye. I’m going to a wedding reception tonight. I opted out of going to the sealing this afternoon. I’m glad I’m not going. I have so much to do this week. I have two hours of calligraphy practice. I told Cami her Christmas present journal would be done today. It’s not, and it won’t be. I still haven’t finished the Visiting Teaching assignments and it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. I need to read for Southern Baroque Art so that I can be prepared for our quiz. I also need to buy supplies for Calligraphy. And overall, all I want to do is go to bed with a big bowl of ice cream and let my heavy heart relax.

But the best news of all is that it’s a three-day weekend and I’m going to take full advantage of it in my pajamas.