Expectations vs Reality

Have you seen 500 Days of Summer? You know that scene where Tom goes to Summer's apartment and they do the split screen view and one part is Expectations and the other is Reality? Here, I'll find it so you can watch it and be reminded of what I'm talking about.

Expectations vs. Reality (500) Days Of Summer Movie Scene from catiski on Vimeo.

(don't know what the other language is, but this is as good as I can get)

So, in the movie, Tom goes to Summer's apartment and he's expecting everything to happen one way but it's so totally different from his expectations. I love-hated this scene because it could have been taken from my life. We expect things to happen one way but they are almost always another. And I tend to romanticize everything anyway. (I'd give examples but that would just show how many times my expectations were smashed and crushed by reality. And that's just not very pretty now is it?)

Last night I was confronted--blindsided maybe?--by the reality of a situation. I'm exhausted today from the emotions from last night.

I probably should have taken a mental health day. I definitely need it.

I'm forgetful

Carly was so good to point out to me a couple days ago that I double posted about my last New York trip. Please see THIS post that I wrote a few days ago, and THIS post that I wrote in February for more information. Oops!

I have tons of stuff to post about but am having issues posting at home. Work really is a good place to post. But, when I want to post a picture it only works if I have them online. I suppose I could bring my camera/cord to work, but do I really want to have a bunch of pictures on my work computer? It's already slow enough.

On a really sad note, I dropped my computer yesterday and it's having issues. Not bad issues, just little issues. Like funny noises. But I think that's because of the workout DVD stuck in the disc drive that I'm kind of embarrassed about... (I don't really want anyone to see that I have Shape Magazine's Bikini Body workout in there--I wish it was something cooler like... hm... I don't know, something cool though.) I need to take it to a Mac Doctor. Maybe I'll call and get an appointment today...

PS- My parents are picking Jess up in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! That's 14 days! And when she finally gets back to Oregon, I'll be flying in a couple days later. I.cannot.wait!

Qualifying Time

So, I'm flirting with the idea of running a Half Marathon in March and needed to run a race to qualify for it. To use a 10k to qualify you need to run it in 1:05:00. That's approximately a 10:27 minute mile.

As I ran the 10k on Thursday I thought, I gotta run this fast so I can qualify just in case I want to do it in March! But, because I decided to run it so last minute I hadn't trained or anything, making the race pretty difficult. I started having a really hard time running as we hit long gradual slopes and realizing that the course wasn't as flat as I had hoped. I slowed down. Waaaay down a couple of times, but I kept going. And I kept thinking to myself, "I just want to finish. I just want to be done. Qualifying doesn't matter anymore, just finish the race."

When I got to the finish line, Lisa was there waiting for me and I was so relieved to see her, and to be done.

Today I looked up the finishing times, to see if I even qualified. I ran the race in 1:05:01. I ran a 10:28 minute mile.

I don't qualify.

I don't qualify by ONE MEASLY SECOND.

But I finished and that's what matters. Right??

Burrr!

Our house is really cold. Our heat isn't working-- well, it's heated in some strange way that I don't totally understand, something having to do with oil. But what I do understand is that I'M COLD! And I have to sleep with socks on. And I don't like sleeping with socks. And, I'll have to sleep with a sweatshirt on and I don't like how it gets twisted around when I sleep.

I took a loooong hot shower this evening after work to warm myself up. It was heaven. You would have thought I had the water on really hot by the amount of steam in the room but it was just normal, the bathroom is just really cold!

We baked cookies tonight with all of us kind of crowded around the oven, and Katie putting her hands as close to the door every time it was opened. And then after they were all made, we left the oven on and open for a while. It warmed up the kitchen. But that soon went away after the oven was turned off.

My nose is cold. But, we can't see our breath yet.

I'm glad we still have hot water. My first weekend in Poland we had no hot water. We boiled water to wash our hair.

It's supposed to get fixed tomorrow. Wish us all luck!

Hm...

I have lots of things I want to blog about but for some reason don't really feel like doing it. But I'm going to force myself to write a few things down now:

1. I came home from a run Saturday afternoon and my dad was watching Mean Girls. It made me laugh and it made me laugh harder when he was cracking up during certain parts. (None of which I can remember exactly now--maybe the getting hit by the bus part? or the creepy/gangster-wanna-be Mathlete guy)

2. Sunday was the five year anniversary of Brooke Wilberger's disappearance. It's hard to believe it was so long ago because I can still remember vividly what I was doing and where I was when we got the phone call asking for my dad's help to search for her the day she went missing. I remember I had just come home for the summer after my sophomore year at BYU, I sat withBrooke at church the day before. We discussed "her missionary" and my impending study abroad to Vienna. This Sunday I talked with the mother-in-law of Brooke's sister at church on Sunday about it and how I miss her and have been thinking of her a lot this week. Brooke's family is incredible. They are still strong and so positive. It makes me really grateful for my church and our doctrine.

3. I made a cake for our Memorial Day swim party yesterday. It was the Flag Cake from Ina Garten but was featured in Martha Stewart a few years ago. I think it turned out pretty good but I can't find the cord to hook the camera to the computer so there will be no picture, but just remember, I did the cake pretty dang good, and the cake and the frosting part were delicious alone but with a little added raspberry and blueberry it was divine. I probably could have eaten all the batter and frosting as they were. Not kidding, they were that good.

4. I graduated over a month ago. And I have done nothing. I can't tell if that's fabulous and wonderful or slightly pathetic and depressing. We'll see.

5. I'm trying to get back into shape. I felt really good about myself that summer Brooke went missing but after going to Vienna, I lost the good habits I had formed and slowly got back to how I was before Vienna. I guess the fact that I love to try new food didn't help at all, but Vienna + England + France + 18 months in Poland + summer Europe trip + back in Provo gotta try all the foods I loved and missed + Jerusalem, got me so off track from where I had once been that it wasn't even a habit to eat healthy or eat right. I found myself eating lots of high fat foods, using food to socialize, using food to comfort (Ben and Jerry's, especially the new Marzipan one, Mint Cookies and Cream, the cake one, and Imagine WhirledPeace--although I might just like this one because it has peace sign chocolate pieces and I like the Beatles). I made ridiculous goals for myself like this, that I knew I couldn't keep and then got frustrated and down on myself when my unrealistic expectations couldn't be met. (Although, I do understand that my goal could be met with a little self control, it just isn't realistic for me to not eat sweets, I like them too much. Giving up being lazy would be a more realistic goal.) So, back to why I'm blogging about this. Well, actually I don't know why I'm blogging about it. I guess it's on my mind a lot today because I had a slight freak out to my mom when I stepped on the new scale we just bought and I appeared to have gained five pounds from the morning weigh in to the lunch-time-testing-the-new-scale-weigh in. I was not happy because clearly the scale I had previously been weighing myself on is off by about five pounds! I've since mellowed out and calmed down, and I still don't really know why I'm blogging about this. Do I really want people to read about this? I don't even know who reads this. I have a few loving commenters but most people don't comment (as much as I wish everyone would comment *hint hint*), I know I read blogs I don't dare comment on! But I guess maybe this is why I feel melancholy today.

That's a lot going on in my mind these past few days. There was more I swear there was more. And it was more good stuff than bad. Today though I feel like the slightly depressing over powered the good.

And I thought this was going to be a short post. Hm...

Edit May 31, 2009: I found the cord for the camera so here is a picture of the Flag Cake!

Job hunting

Well, today was the first official day of job hunting and I'm looking good. And by looking good I mean, still in my pajamas and robe, not showered (and a gross little tidbit you don't really want to hear but I'm going to tell you anyway, I didn't shower yesterday after my evening workout--ew I know), glasses on and hair all over the place, and it's 3:15 pm. In fact, I'll even post a disgusting picture. (Oh perfect, you're thinking, Lauren just told me she didn't shower today and now she's telling me to look at a gross picture of her?? Wow. Talk about abuse.) Well, I'm going to make you look at it anyway, and you're going to like it ok? Ok.

So I've been updating and perfecting my resume today. And for some reason it took forever! Well, I guess I probably wasn't very productive while I attempted to work on it and watch House, or when I took a break to play with Ellie, three times, or when I went to the bathroom a gazillion times because I'm severely underhydrated and am trying to rehydrate myself, or when I realized I hadn't yet read the Daily Intel Gossip Girl recap yet and then had to share it with all my Gossip Girl loving friends, or when I made myself lunch, and then a snack, and then gchatted with multiple friends while all trying to update my resume and write a good coverletter that could be tweaked for various jobs.

I start my temporary summer job Thursday. I think I'm kind of the Dermatology Clinic of Springfield's permanent temp. Thank goodness I can always come back and work there. But I'm starting Thursday so I can learn the new computer system since they got a new one last summer but I was in Jerusalem so I didn't get to learn it and now I have to be retrained which really stinks but will probably be nice because the last system was outdated and so I'm excited to learn the new system but I hate to sound incompetent when patients call in to make appointments and it takes twice as long and I have to apologize that I'm new and therefore don't know the system yet, but I'm not technically new I just don't know the new system so it's just frustrating, but that's what's happening Thursday and then I'll start for real on Friday.

never ever again

never ever again will i rent from keystone realty in provo utah. this is obviously partly because i'm now graduated. (did you know that? well, i'm graduated.) but also because i think that the landlord is cheating me and being a jerk. he made me cry today. i cried to my landlord. i'm so pathetic. but i'm angry and he won't let me get out of my contract and a lawyer will be contacted and i cried to my dad and i need to pack and i don't want to.

never ever again will i walk across campus as a student. although today i wasn't a student i walked across campus for the last time for a while. i didn't realize one week ago wednesday that when i walked up to take my religion test in the jsb that that those would be my last steps on campus as a byu student. i should have taken a last walk for nostalgic purposes. i didn't though. but i did do that last walk today and it made me just a little sad. maybe that's why i cried to the landlord, i was already feeling emotional.

never ever again will i feel the same satisfaction of pulling into visitor parking on campus and being able to answer truthfully this time to the, "are you a byu student?" question. there was just a silent thrill when i answered "no". and i didn't fib a little like when i used to park in visitors parking for my 4:00 class at the art museum and i'd get there at 3:57 and parking was still illegal to students until 4 but i figured since i was only pretending to not be a student for three minutes it wouldn't matter because at 4 i could park there anyway. but this time i could completely answer no. "no i am not a student sir because i graduated last week! can you believe that? one week ago i was actually a byu student, but after last friday i wasn't anymore? sorry, am i talking too much? oh, yeah, i'll take the sticker. bye!" and no i didn't really say those last things, but those are the exact thoughts going on in my mind as i answered my "no" with a smug smile.

never ever again will i be able to just run over to cafe rio for a lunchtime salad. it will be a much bigger affair the next time i do it. it will be a destination stop not just a quick pop in. although that could change if i ever settle in utah, but i'm not counting on it, and i'm not hoping for it.

never ever again will i be able to go to the provo temple to surprise my missionary sister cami. but it was worth it and i just wish i had ended my day with the temple instead of starting it and ending with stupid landlords.

never ever again will i be posting from provo utah, as a semi student that is. (well, i suppose i can't really say that because who knows what will happen to me in the future, but as far as things are going now i am planning on only coming back to provo for visits to friends and family. i guess there could be some postings happening then, so maybe not never ever again.)

Karma

A few years ago a friend was getting married over Thanksgiving break. She needed to sell her contract for Winter Semester and I was coming back from Vienna. I agreed to buy it. As the weeks wore on I felt uneasy about the contract. I can't remember why now, but I did. I backed out just days before her wedding. I felt terrible and put her in a horrible position. She was probably so stressed out about her contract.

Today I just got the phone message equivalent to my contract-backing-out-email.

I guess I deserved it.

I had a dream

I had the craziest last 24 hours or so. I procrastinated my entire final project for my Southern Baroque Art class and the final project was due about an hour ago. I stayed at the library till 2 am last night. The best part about that was they played Clocks over the loud speaker. I can't remember the last time I stayed at the library until closing. When I lived on campus maybe? But it's pretty exciting to hear Clocks played over the loud speaker in the whole library. It was definitely worth it. I probably shouldn't have been procrastinating so much at the library last night. It's always a bad call to take a "quick" perusal of the 5th floor. But I came home and went straight to bed after I had finished maybe 2/3rds of my project.

I planned on waking up early this morning which I did, I took a shower, got dressed, emailed myself my project so I could finish it on campus. I was running late to work so I drove and parked in the visitor's parking by the Law Building. No one asked if I was a student so it was perfect! As I walked across the street to the Wilkinson center I realized I forgot my computer and really didn't want to use the computers in the computer labs so I turned around to go back to my car and I couldn't remember where I had parked. Then I ran into Blake Lively as Serena van der Woodsen. We chatted like old friends and I told her I couldn't find my car. She said she'd help but we stayed where we were sitting and chatted for a while. (By now you've probably figured out that this is all a dream.) But we sat there and talked for a while when some guy with blonde dreadlocks came over and kept staring at us. He offered to help find the car too, but then all of a sudden we were in some random room. I walk out the room and we're in a huge warehouse wehre people are learning how to be architects. Some random guy from my ward was there. I was confused. Dreadlocks boy comes over to help me find the car. I have no idea where it is. I realize I'm going to have to tell my boss I'm going to be late for work.

I woke up really at 8:15 instead of 6 like I planned to finish my paper. I was supposed to be at work at 8. I didn't go in because I didn't have my stuff finished for my class. I realized too that some pages I had copied and then quoted in my paper didn't have page numbers on them. I spent 45 minutes in the library trying to track a stupid book down that was in the library (according to the computer) but not on its shelf. I was so annoyed. I didn't site page numbers.

But. I'm done. And I just have to write another paper for Monday and then all I have are finals and art projects left to do.

Oh, and 13 days.

Don't cry over spilled ink

I might not be crying over it but Calligraphy is ruining my life. I just spilled almost an entire bottle of Higgins Black Eternal ink and it is on the carpet. It happened a few weeks ago and my roommate Amy proceeded to work hard to get the ink out. Here is what it looks like now:

Barely visible right?

But unfortunately when I sit and soak up ink it looks like this:

I'm so not getting my deposit back.

And the paper I spilled on is soaked and I almost dripped ink all across the floor but luckily that didn't happen and luckily I decided to do a test on some printer paper before I started on my final project otherwise I really would have been crying. Instead I have have dirty hands.

One of those days

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel like everything you do isn't good enough or that you won't ever be able to get to the point where you want to be? Or that you are one of the most obnoxious beings to ever walk the planet? That was my day today. I frequently feel inadequate but I just suck it up and figure it'll be ok. Today I think I cracked and unloaded on my parents in the driveway to my grandparent's house for about 30 minutes about all the things that are causing me to feel the way I do. Obviously it's my own doing and all I need to do is tell myself that it really doesn't matter and that things are fine but it's easier said than done. I hope your Sunday was wonderful. For me, next Sunday will be better.

No title today

My heart is heavy. I am stressed, under-rested and apprehensive about what the future has for me. Although the prospect of graduation and being finished with school is exciting and obviously desirable, I wonder what will happen when I’m finished. I will need to get a job, internship, more schooling or whatever I do, something I want to do.

But on this day January 14, 2009 I haven’t a clue what I want to do. I want to work in a museum, but what if I don’t like it? I don’t have teaching credentials. I don’t know if I want to go to graduate school. I don’t really know what I’d go to grad school to study, and if I’d even be accepted.

I partly lament the fact that I never expected to be at this point in my life and single. It’s true, I’m not old. Twenty-four is not old. So why am I worried about that too? I know it will work out. Well, at least I have hope that it will.

I think I’m extra cranky about my future right now because something set me off and it always seems to be a downward spiral and it’s all expedited because I’m tired. This last weekend left me exhausted. I stayed up way too late Friday night and had to attend a bridal shower first thing in the morning, which was followed by an afternoon wedding reception for another friend. I saw a movie that night, went to bed late again and had an incredibly unrelaxing Sunday that was filled with meetings and the like. No homework was accomplished leaving me unprepared and nervous about classes this week as I try to balance the visit of my mom and sister for more lovely wedding celebrations of yet a third person.

My mind is crowded with things learned in my classes and other distractions to my sanity. We’re learning about the French Revolution in preparation to learn about the philosophies of the Impressionists, and it’s really depressing. Because of Napoleon and some of his ideas and policies, women in France didn’t have the right to vote until the 1940s and only in the 1970s were women finally allowed to have their own bank account and hold property. I learned the root of nepotism and how it is directly related to 17^th Century Catholicism in Italy and the power given to the Papal Nephew (the pope’s nephew), this lead to me thinking about the differences between my church and the Catholic church, and then to thinking about my mission. I saw The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and cannot get the story out of my head.

I need to learn to separate myself better, but I cannot imagine having the stress and the sadness that would come from having a completely perfectly working mind but not being able to move at all except for one eye. I’m going to a wedding reception tonight. I opted out of going to the sealing this afternoon. I’m glad I’m not going. I have so much to do this week. I have two hours of calligraphy practice. I told Cami her Christmas present journal would be done today. It’s not, and it won’t be. I still haven’t finished the Visiting Teaching assignments and it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. I need to read for Southern Baroque Art so that I can be prepared for our quiz. I also need to buy supplies for Calligraphy. And overall, all I want to do is go to bed with a big bowl of ice cream and let my heavy heart relax.

But the best news of all is that it’s a three-day weekend and I’m going to take full advantage of it in my pajamas.

I can't drive

I’m not very good at driving in snow. There isn’t a lot of snow in Oregon, and when we do have it the city is basically shut down. So the snow that has been falling for the last two days solid in Provo has severely inhibited my driving. Yesterday I got nervous to drive to Smiths but I made it home safely. I slipped multiple times just walking to and from school today, so today when I had to drive to Bookbinding I worried that I would have some car problem. (You know, because I’m paranoid and slightly pessimistic.) As I drove back from dinner tonight I lamented the fact that I probably wouldn’t get a parking spot in one of the covered spots. Well, it turned out my fears were justified and there were no spots underneath. The parking spots in the back are really small and it’s usually necessary to do some maneuvering to park straight, but when I tried to do that I couldn’t move at all. I looked up and saw some guy cleaning the snow off his car. I got out of the car and apologetically said something lame like, “Hi, sorry, um, I don’t really know how to drive in snow well and I’m stuck.” The guy, who’s pretty attractive by the way, comes over to push my car. When we got my car moving, he told me it would probably be smarter for me to park where the ground is more level (meaning the back of the parking lot). Somehow, miraculously, I got my car stuck again as I tried to park in another spot. By then, my attractive helper has been joined by a girl, who calls him Babe. I sat in the car laughing thinking of the awkwardness of the situation and wondering if I should get out of the car and ask for help again. Of course he’s not only being attractive but very helpful and came over to my car asking if I need help again before I even got out of the car. He pushed my car out again and then asked if it would be ok if he drove my car. Obviously since I can’t drive in the snow I jumped out of the car letting him get in and re-park the car for me. How embarrassing. I tend to think of myself as pretty strong and independent and I had to have a guy come and park my car tonight because I couldn’t do it. Wow. Never again.

More bad pictures

I don't know why I think it's funny to put unflattering photos of myself on my blog, but I got a root canal yesterday and a filling and had practically my entire lower jaw numbed. Here are my attempts to pucker and smile. (Mind you, my appointment was at 7:30am and I went to bed after midnight.)

Yes. Attractive, I know.

I HATE FINALS

AND THIS:



IS WHAT THEY'RE DOING TO ME!

(And yes I am in a cubby hole in the library avoiding studying for my Ancient Maya exam which I now have four hours to study for. Procrastinate much?)

Stress

This is what I look like when I toss and turn all night thinking of all the ways I'm going to fail this week. On my "to-do-list":

1. Paper on In Cold Blood
   
2. Contemporary Art Final
3. Ancient Maya Final
4. Clam Shell box for Bookbinding
5. Creative Project for Bookbinding
6. various church meeting (planning/Enrichment)
7. Humanities final
8. Study for that final
   
9. Pack
10. Clean for a cleaning check.
11. Work

I don't think I have enough time for all this plus sleep. The only things going through my mind are why. Why did I go to the wedding, wedding brunch, shopping, and reception Friday on my vital reading day? Why did I get up at 10:00 on Saturday? Why didn't I buy my paper for my bookbinding class before I went to my review session on Saturday? Why did I go to the ward party Saturday afternoon? Why didn't I go up to the library Saturday night instead of attempt to study in my room which needed to be cleaned first? Why do I have to have a calling that requires no Sunday quiet time? Why did I insist on going to my JC Christmas party last night when I KNEW I was going to be there too long? Why can't I wake up earlier? Why did I affirm I could work this week? Why can't I have five more hours in the day?

And you should be happy that first and foremost, you don't look like me today. Happy Finals!

Digital Dropbox

Have you ever had to use the Digital Dropbox to submit assignments? Well, this is the first (and probably last time) I will ever use it. I just went to submit my last paper today and realized that I HADN'T SUBMITTED ANY OF MY PAPERS THIS SEMESTER! Yeah. The grade list probably shows that I have good test scores and NOTHING else! So my teacher got a long explanation about how I'm an idiot and don't know how to work blackboard. I feel so dumb and now I have no idea what my grade in the class is going to be.

My gum is hard and instead of spitting it out I keep chewing and my jaw is sore.

Simple equation for puke

(Mike and Ike's + chocolate milk) before 10 = sick to my stomach

I wish...

I wish I had not procrastinated my homework.

I wish I had the thighs for skinny jeans.

I wish I always had good hair days.

I wish I had an unlimited clothing budget.

I wish I could focus.

I wish I didn’t rely so heavily on my computer.

I wish I had not double booked my Thursday night.

I wish I could get more sleep.

I wish I had a candy bar to munch on right now.

I wish I had a magic ball to show where I’d be in five years.

I wish I knew what to do with my life.

Parking

Dear Horrible Parker,

Why can't you park your car between the lines? I understand that the spots are tight at The Dev, but honestly, what gives you the right to take up two spaces? You car isn't that nice and it already has scratches all over it. It's not like it's worth it to take up two spaces to "preserve" it's pristine condition. No. It's a crappy college car.

Haven't you ever come home late at night and after searching the parking lot only to realize that there are no empty spaces and so you have to go park on the street around the corner? Don't you get angry when you can't park in your own parking lot because some idiot parked crooked or couldn't stay between the lines? Isn't it frustrating that if people just took the extra two minutes to park right, then most of us might get a place to park?

Well, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you. Thank you for being that person for me tonight. Thank you for parking like an idiot so I have to walk in the dark and cold into my apartment after searching around for a spot to park in.

So next time you get out of your car and it looks like this:

you should remember this:

and get right back in your car and fix your crap-tastic parking job.

Hoping you can fix it before I have to take drastic measures,
Lauren