Too much.

Are you an idiot too? Do you talk too much too? We must share a life!

If you know me personally you know I like to talk. Too much. I think.
In kindergarten we were studying Native Americans. (Well in the 80s it was still Indians.) Anyway, every kid got an Indian name. My mom came up with mine: Little Babbling Brook. I had a tea dyed dress with fringe and beads and everything. (Not until I was in high school did I stop to think of the meaning of babbling.)
In 5th grade I was voted "Most Talkative" by fellow students.
Elementary school report cards have comments like, "A joy to have in class." Followed closely by, "Frequently distracted." and "Too talkative when should be completing tasks."

Ok, we get it, it's been a problem since birth. I always want to see what's going on, I always want to know what's happening and be "in the know". I've been trying to stop this for a while. Sometimes it just isn't my business to know thing, you know? (It's kind of like one of those innate things that I need to fix. Like my really intense competitiveness that I realized could be curbed if I just either a) didn't play the game at all or b) tried to be really really nice to the other players and see them how God sees them--this was the case with Flag Football or c) play a game without a winner.) So I realize there are just some things that aren't my business. I'm not fishing for info, I'm trying to not spread info, even if it seems harmless.

I have a friend from college who frequently would tell me to stop telling her a story about someone because she didn't want to have preconceived notions about them, or hear anything bad about the person. Though initially infuriating because I wanted to share, I realize that her example was something I needed to follow, and I have tried to not spread news, not seek out news or stories. 

Within the past few months however I have been accused twice of spreading information that was/is hurtful to a party. Each time, I was only partially privy to information and each time I realized that talking to anyone about the situation was inappropriate, even if it was in a completely non-gossipy, trying to get the full story to dispel the current belief way. Both of these situations have hurt someone or people, made them loose respect for me and caused me tears, nausea (because I feel so horrible) and stress.

(It makes me sound like I'm a horrible gossip. I'm really not, and in the case of both of those recent situations, what information was talked about was not talked about in a mean way or a judging way. But somehow me having talked about it was all that got back to the original person and then I become the gossip, the lie spreader, the big mouth.)

I'm not perfect. We all aren't perfect. But I am trying and doing my hardest to keep sensitive information sensitive. And good news private (until permission is granted to share). I don't think I'm a bad person, but you better believe I feel like one today!

And to those who might read this that I have hurt ever by what I have said. I deeply and truly apologize. I can't even tell you how absolutely horrendous I feel.

PS. In church two days ago we had a lesson about gossip and the teacher compared it to the Gulf Oil Spill and how we don't know the consequences yet of all that oil in the ocean, and just as is with gossip, we don't understand the repercussions what we say will have down the road. I'll say I didn't think the application of this would have come so soon. I wish the lesson could have also included how to make things right again.